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International Soundex Reunion Registry
IMPORTANT site to visit and register with while searching!
www.isrr.net
Concerned United Birthparents - CUB
www.CUBirthparents.org
Click
Here for an IMPORTANT MESSAGE provided by CUB -
"What You Should Know if You're Considering Adoption
for Your Baby"
The Mothers Project -
Celeste Bilhartz
The Mothers Project is a program of poems, narratives, images
and songs about the millions of "unwed" mothers
from past generations who were forced to surrender their babies
for adoption. The goal of TMP is to educate audiences about
the past, to alert young girl/mothers about their vulnerability,
and to encourage agencies, courts and baby brokers to end
adoption coercion. I urge women-of-conscience to not adopt.
I also hope adopted people will see TMP and have compassion
for their mothers who didn't "give" them away. We
were not "gifts."
http://themothersproject.com/home.html
Sunflower Birthmom Support Group
Excellent online support for searching Birth Mothers
www.bmom.net
Mothers Awaiting Reunion
This site provides support and validation for women who have
been separated from and lost their child/children to adoption,
regardless of the circumstances.
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/mothers_awaiting_reunion
MySpace: http://www.myspace.com/mothersawaitingreunion
Mothers Reunited Support Group
Mothers Reunited is a private discussion and support group
for women who relinquished a child or children to adoption,
regardless of the circumstances. Although the majority of
our members relinquished during the "Baby Scoop Era"
of closed adoptions, our group is open to all mothers as well
as to mothers who are searching for their child/children lost
to adoption. MySpace:
http://www.myspace.com/mothersreunited
New England Firstmother Support Group
Contact Cindy at NEFirstMothers@yahoogroups.com
Found
and Lost Support - For the bereaved adoption
related searcher.
Carol's Place for Birthparents and Adoptees
Carols
Place
HOME Of The Blues
Support for women who were sent away to Unwed Mother HOMES.
To share with others the trauma they felt. For adoptees born
in the Unwed Mother HOMES. We can heal by sharing our experiences.
HOMEoftheblues
Birthmothers Unite
Support for birthmothers and adoptees, providing resources,
testimonials, poetry, Counseling for Birthmothers and Adoptees-
Healing, Provided By Certified-Post Adoption Counselor Lucy
Franklin
www.birthmothersunite.com
Lifemothers: Supporting firstparents by offering resources
and information, as well as stories, writing, and much more.
www.Lifemothers.com
Joe Soll's Adoption Triad Support Group
www.adoptioncrossroads.org
American Adoption Congress - AAC
www.americanadoptioncongress.org
Adoption Forums Message Boards & Chat
forums.adoption.com
Relinquished - Catholic Charities Adoption
Search Help
freeweb.wpdcorp.com/relinquished
Emergency Medical Locators (EMLA) is a
nonprofit organization that conducts free biological searches
for anyone who is in need of their medical history during
emergency and life-threatening medical situations.
www.adoption-free-search.org
Everything you need to know about adoption
www.adoption.com
Searching in the UK? Check out this website...
www.lookupuk.com
Searching in Wisconsin? Check out this website...
www.icareregistry.com
ASCME
-Adoption Search Consultants of Maine
Phone: 207-799-3574
Email: info@ascme.net
State by State Search Angel Help Listings
Search
Angels
Adoption Spot
URL: http://www.AdoptionSpot.com
A Valuable Adoption Directory and Information Resource.
.................................................................................................................
Lina Eve, Australian artist, painting,
photography, computer graphics, singer/songwriter, Marriage
Celebrant and mother who lost her firstborn to adoption.This
web site includes Lina's artwork and many pages of adoption
and reunion information.
home.austarnet.com.au/linaeve
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Adoption.com
Guide to Search & Reunion
by Jan Baker
The stated purpose of this book is to educate, to provide
a detailed view of not only the search process, but also the
reunion process, and to equip the reader with knowledge to
help in understanding the intricacies involved. The Adoption.com
Guide to Search and Reunion explores not only
the means, methods, and motivations of search and reunion,
but also the emotional impact that often follows.
A complete and comprehensive guide to the search and reunion
processes for adoptees and birth parents, and their families.
........................................................................................................
.Not
Remembered, Never Forgotten
by Robert
Hafetz
Although I am a member of the Adoption Triad - birth parents/adoptee/adoptive
parents - the meaning behind this book's title, "Not
Remembered, Never Forgotten," was not immediately clear
to me. Being a birth mother, I of course, got the overall
gist of it, but was intrigued and read on to learn more. More
about an adoptee's experience after their relinquishment at
birth. Not to mention, how rare it is to hear from the other
half; the male faction.
Once I began reading, my understanding came quickly. Bob swiftly
and effectively drives home its meaning in the first few pages.
He also describes how, during his search, he becomes family
of circumstance when meeting other Triad members. How
his search is only able to progress because of the kindness
and commitment of others, sometimes, even strangers, all willing
to help. Every word, every emotion and every sentiment in
this book comes straight from his heart. There is no beating-around-the-bush
here.
This search [for his birth mother] has taken on a life
of its own, writes Bob. No truer words were ever written.
His statement describes perfectly the desire, the need and
the urgency that invades your mind and your soul while searching
for a lost loved one.
Whether you have been touched by adoption or not, this book
will make you understand what it is like to live your life
not knowing who you are or from where you came, as well as
how finding your roots can literally save your life. It's
ending, though bittersweet, will warm your heart and make
you smile, especially when you read about a very special monkey.
I know that I have no memory of my mother's face, her
voice, her touch and that I don't know anything about her.
I would later discover that I was wrong. It is true that I
could not remember, but it was also true that I could not
forget.
I hope Bob's words leave you with a true sense of how it
is to be "Not Remembered, Never Forgotten."
Reviewed by Susan Mello Souza
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Chasing
Away the Shadows
by Zara Phillips
"Phillips offers hope and healing to those touched
by adoption by illustrating with her life story how adoption
healing is possible and necessary for all of us who are also
touched. she does not shy away from tackling the often harsh
realities of adoption and reunion, including serets and lies,
and expectations that all too often lead to disappointment."
Kasey Hamner, M.S., Adoptee, School Psychologist,
author of Whose Child? and Adoption Forum.
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Soul
Connection
by Ann Hughes
Have you ever wondered if there could be a Plan for your life?
Or is it all merely random cruelty and luck? Have roadblocks
ever mysteriously appeared in your path? Have closed doors
suddenly sprung open? Is there a chance we're being led by
the Higher Realm?
Soul Connection is about healing through expanded
awareness-and about using spiritual alignment to create miracles.
In 1966, a young unmarried woman must surrender her baby for
adoption. Afterwards, she stumbles along a healing path that
transforms her understanding of Life. She puts this new knowledge
to the test in 1989 when she undertakes a search for her birthdaughter
using spiritual process. An inspiring memoir of inner and
outer discover.
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Finding
Me In A Paper Bag
by Sally Howard
Left as an infant in a brown paper bag on a farmer's porch,
and later, having to surrender her baby daughter after being
raped, the many layers of this powerful and inspiring story
addresses: baby abandonment laws, rape, the results of an
unsuccessful search and the great mystery that drives us to
discover our origins.
..................................................................................................................
A Comprehensive Australian-New Zealand Adoption Search
Guide
by Bill Jackson
Place Orders directly thru:
Bill Jackson
18 Pendell Drive
Forcett. Tasmania. Australia 7173
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Touched By Adoption Calendars, Greeting Cards
Please visit http://www.patrickmc.com
to view the coming year's calendar as well as a selection
of greeting cards and blank note cards.
The calendar and cards capture in words and images some of
the unique ideas, thoughts, and feelings involved in adoption
which are so often difficult to express, and they feature
my photography. The calendar is 8 1/2 x 11 folded, 11 x 17
hanging.
They make great gifts for yourself or anyone you know involved
in adoption, whether adoptee, birthparent, adoptive parent,
relative, friend, or adoption-related professional.
They also make statements that may need to be heard by members
of your community, such as local social service organizations,
medical professionals and legislators.
Many organizations have used the cards and calendars as fundraisers
at meetings, events, and conferences. Please let me know if
you'd be interested in making such an arrangement.
A portion of proceeds from card and calendar sales is donated
to adoption education and reform organizations. Remaining
proceeds support the writing of my book, Becoming Real: One
Man's Odyssey as an Adoptee, which is in its final trimester.
All design, photography, and text created by Patrick McMahon.
by Robert Allan Hafetz
1014 Surrey Lane
Warrington,P.A. 18976
Roberthafetz@comcast.net
The first obstacle after an adoption occurs is the transition
of attachment behavior by the adoptee from the bonded first
mother to the new adopting mother. This transition does not
simply happen by itself. There is an intricate process that
lies at the foundation of attachment. Infants, who are not
yet cognitively aware, but are affectively sensitive, should
be regarded with delicate precision. A complete and fulfilling
attachment will not occur unless a state of emotional harmony
develops between the adopting mother and the infant. The new
mother does not have the benefit of familiarity, bonding hormones
or the shared existence of gestation to support her. I believe
that a unique, familiar, touch, recognized by the infant is
the basic method of communication between mother and child.
It is this touch that bridges their emotions and creates the
cherished harmony we call attachment.http://themothersproject.com/home.html
Before there is an adoption there must be a separation.
The name we give to this process, adoption, ignores this event
as if it never occurred. A thorough understanding of separation
in adoption will create a context from which we can examine
the psycho-social dynamics of adoptees and their adopted families.
The separation is a significant experience that has lasting
results and may result in a traumatic event to the infant.
An infant is helpless and dependent on the mother for all
of its needs. When fear or anxiety is experienced the infant
uses the mother to cope. When adoption separation occurs she
literally vanishes from the universe of the infant. Not only
has the mother vanished but also the infant’s ability
to manage distress has departed with her. Trauma is an event
that overwhelms ones means to cope with it. Therefore a separated
infant, now alone, has lost its primary means to adapt (Verrier
2003). In this light we expect a separated then adopted infant
to transition and attach to a new mother as if the bonded,
birth mother never existed and the separation never occurred.
Historically, the adoption culture has assumed that a cognitively
undeveloped infant cannot experience such events. The lack
of cognitive development is seen as a type of “anesthesia”
that protects the infant from traumatic memories. While it’s
true that infants don’t comprehend the world cognitively,
they do experience it affectively. They know and they remember
in an affective domain. Adoptees will struggle for the rest
of their lives to build a bridge of understanding connecting
this affective experience with their cognitive ability to
recognize it.
Our objective, scientific based culture has created a hierarchy
of awareness. We place cognitive awareness above emotional
awareness and in the case of infant adoptees we assume there
is no awareness at all. Infants, while cognitively undeveloped,
are still very much aware. They have memories and remember
their separation experience as an implicit, affective, memory.
Memories are not only explicit and cognitive, memories can
also be intrinsic and emotionally based. Think of a loved
one that has passed away. Don’t you naturally experience
that memory as an emotion first and then cognitively explore
it? Isn’t it always there just beneath the surface exerting
its effect on you? In the case of a pre verbal infant whose
undeveloped brain can only process affects, a memory as intense
as separation from the bonded mother would, naturally, be
retained only as an emotion. The affective responses caused
by separation from the bonded mother would be anxiety, grief,
and repression (Robertson and Bowlby 1952). According to Silvan
Tomkins, memories are organized chronologically or in a linear
mode. They are prioritized in proportion to the intensity
of the affect created by the event. The intense affect associated
with the disappearance of the bonded first mother creates
a memory that will be experienced for the remainder of the
infant’s life. We used to think a baby’s mind was
like a blank slate but we have been discovering that infant’s
minds are very much aware. Infants from their first day of
life, possibly even earlier, communicate with their mother.
In adoption we have avoided recognizing the critical significance
of this process. Adoption separations occur at one of the
most critical periods in human development and we have minimized
the effects of this at the expense of bonded first mothers,
adoptees, and the families that adopt them. We must recognize
the importance of the adoption separation experience in order
to facilitate the transition of the infant to the new mother.
From its first breath of air a newborn infant has the ability
to express itself. That first cry is not a sound without meaning
or purpose. It is an expression of affect, a demand for attention,
a call for help that is understood by the adults who hear
it. It captures our attention and we respond to it by placing
the baby in contact with its mother. The mother responds with
her touch and the message to the infant is that you are safe.
We should think of this as an actual conversation between
mother and child. In the place of words they communicate with
emotion. Since the infant has already lived for nine months
within the mother it will, with no trouble, come to know the
mothers touch, her smell, her heartbeat, and the sound of
her voice as recognizable and familiar. The emotion that flows
between them should be regarded as a language with various
affects having particular meanings. In the place of a language
with words we have a language with a vocabulary of affects
such as excitement, joy, fear, distress, and surprise to name
a few. It is through this vocabulary of affects that the bonded
birth mother is able to teach her child the nature of their
world.
Harlow, in his famous paper, The Nature of Love, stated
that mothers bond with their children through touch (Harlow
1958). Separation anxiety will occur when an infant is taken
from its bonded mother. This distress can be extinguished
when the infant is returned to that same bonded mother. Her
familiar touch tells the baby it is safe and secure. It is
the bonded mother’s touch, not the touch of the father,
the nurse, the grandmother or anyone else’s that expresses
this feeling of safety to the baby. Consider that when your
spouse or significant other touches you, it has a different
meaning than if another person were to touch you, yet is the
same action. What if a stranger touched you? What if a stranger
touched you while you were in a state of distress? You would
have no idea what that meant. You might even consider a strange
touch as threatening. This is the situation initially created
by an adoption. Only the unique touch of the bonded mother
is understood by her infant. The new adopting mother is a
stranger to the adoptee and while they engage in the same
emotional behavior, they are not communicating in the same
language. They don’t understand one another. Initially,
they are in a state of affective dissonance. This may also
play a role in post adoption depression. If the baby’s
lack of response or negative response creates an increase
in the new mother’s anxiety, then we have a relationship
that may create a cascade effect of negative emotions affecting
them collectively. The very first barrier in adoption transition
is this state of affective dissonance between the new adopting
mother and the adoptee. We must also keep in mind that many
adopting mothers may have their own feelings of shame and
loss due to infertility and the awareness that she is receiving
someone else’s child. The child’s reactions to her
will have a profound effect on her own emotions and sense
of worth. Positive reactions by the infant can validate a
very sensitive relationship while negative reactions can be
invalidating or hurtful to the new mother. This new attachment
is not a relationship that can be created by simply putting
a woman and an infant together and expecting them to spontaneously
form an attachment. Before there can be love there must be
an expression of trust that the infant can identify with.
The infant brings to this relationship a feeling that trust
has already been violated. Building a bridge of trust can
be accomplished but it will take time and insight on the part
of the new mother. It should also be stated that attachment
to the new adopting mother does not call for replacing the
attachment from the bonded first mother. It requires the creation
of an additional attachment relationship with the adopting
mother. There must be a harmony of emotion with the past as
well as the present.
Hypothetical model of an unsuccessful or incomplete transition
:
1. Initial communication incompatibility: The new mother
and infant are unable communicate effectively due to the unfamiliarity
of the new mother, compounded by the infant’s attempts
to cope with the bonded mother’s disappearance.
2. The state of affective dissonance: Initially, the
emotions of the new mother and infant are in a state of disharmony
and possibly even conflict. The infant expecting the familiar
touch of its bonded mother doesn’t understand what this
new mothers unfamiliar touch means. Form the infant’s
perspective everything has changed.
3. Increased anxiety in mother and infant: Due to
the state of affective dissonance, the new mother’s lack
of familiarity causes distress in the infant. The infant’s
lack of expected response to the customary expressions of
emotion creates anxiety in the new mother.
4. Negative attachment cascade: The new mother’s
distress increases the infants distress which further increases
new mother’s anxiety. Instead of an affective bridge
linking them an affective wall of glass is created. Emotional
stability is maintained by distance instead of trust and love.
5. Failure to attach or incomplete attachment: Initially,
the new mother and the child fail to attach or form a poor
attachment. This state of affective dissonance could last
for a short period or for the rest of their lives. It could
resolve partially, as the adoptee creates a false self (Verrier
2003) in order to survive, manifesting itself as an emotional
distance separating adopting mother and child. Outwardly the
relationship may appear to be normal as adoptees are able
to act as if there is an attachment, but inwardly the adoptee
maintains an emotional distance resulting in an incomplete
attachment.
The separation experience has a significant, lasting effect
on adoptees, manifesting as a narcissistic wound or a core,
affective memory. The ability of the adoptee to cope with
this memory is a primary part of the attachment process. The
establishment of a familiar touch is an essential component
in forming a successful attachment with the new mother. This
will create a unique, affective, dialect linking the mother
and infant. This affective language will build a sense of
trust, that will bring the emotions of new mother and infant
into a state of harmony. Touch, when accepted as familiar,
will trigger the positive affective memories associated with
the first mother. The restoration of familiarity and, consequently,
the reestablishment of trust becomes more probable when mother
and child recognize one another’s emotions as intended.
Including the concept of affective dissonance in the education
of adopting mothers will increase the probability of a complete
attachment to their new child. The new mother must be able
to understand the affective dynamics of the adoption/separation
process because the infant cannot.
Bibliography;
Harlow, Harry F. (1958). The nature of love. American Psychologist,
13, 573-685.
Robertson, J. & Bowlby, J. (1952), Responses of young
children to separation from their mothers. Courrier of the
International Children’s Center, Paris, II, 131-140.
Tomkins, S. S. (1979). Script theory: Differential magnification
of affects. In H. E. Howe, jnr & R. A. Dienstbier (Eds.),
Nebraska Symposium on Motivation 1978, volume 26 (pp. 201–236).
Lincoln: University of Nebraska Press.
Tomkins, S. S. (1971). A theory of memory. In J. S. Antrobus
(Ed.), Cognition and affect (pp. 59–130). Boston: Little,
Brown.Verrier, N. (2003). Coming Home to Self. Gateway Press
Inc. Balt. MD.
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