The day that I was born, you gently took me into your hands, and at that moment you became a Mother.
You held me close and I felt your love.
Those hands you wrung as you made the choice where there was no choice.
As we spent our last moments together, your hands tried to gather enough memories to last a lifetime.
You held a pen in your hand, and you signed the papers that forged our lives separately and then you touched
me and said goodbye.
Over the years, your hands retraced the pattern of the memory of the baby that you once held.
And then they were wrung again as you contemplated the thought of letting me into your life after so long.
I watched you with your hand trace an unseen pattern on the desk as you told me of how my life started, something that I often do with my hand when talking of serious matters.
I held your hand again, you may not have even noticed that I took your hand in mine to compare how alike we are. I stared at that hand turning it over and over as I realized all of the memories that it held…that this was the first hand that touched me, cared for me, and I felt
the love that you work so hard to hide.
The shape of our hands so closely matched, and it gave me a connection that I’d never had before.
I hold your hand in my heart and sometimes when I close my eyes I can feel the warmth and love that I felt when you held me in your hands.
by Denise Osterberg
01/15/2002
It was at that moment that I knew I loved you.
Who can understand a mother's love for a child?
Your wonder was known only to God
Yet, I knew I loved you before I met you.
Songs of joy burst from my heart
As the life that I carried began to quicken.
How softly I played my guitar close to you
Enjoying this special time of my life and yours.
Oh, if only these days could last forever just you and I
But the day came and you were awesome.
You looked into my eyes with such wonder and awe
And suddenly I wanted everyone to know you.
Too soon I watched you go - how it hurt not to follow
As I placed you in the care of another who loved you.
You were always a child in my eyes
Growing strong in your mother's arms.
Who could not love this beautiful child?
Your mother held you close and dad was so proud.
But as your birthdays drew near
I longed to share the pride that was theirs.
The day came when I learned I could meet you
Rediscover the child I held so dear.
What would you think, would you even know about me?
I know I loved you before I met you.
I counted the days as I had counted the years.
Oh, how long those days were.
While I waited to see the face I remembered
The child I had loved would soon become a young man.
The day came and I picked up the phone.
The voice I heard was like music to my ears
To hear your voice after all these years
I knew I Ioved you before I met you.
I said hello and how are you?
He replied I can't believe I'm talking to you.
You know, I think I look like you, and
I hear I have two sisters, whereas before I knew none.
Yes, you have two sisters most anxious to meet you
And yes, another family waiting to welcome you.
You know, I have missed you so
So glad you are well, can't wait to see you again.
The knock came at my door
I was strangely very calm and peaceful this day.
As if in a dream, I said come in, not knowing what to say.
Yes, come in, so wonderful to see you!
As I study his face, does he know how long I have waited?
As he comes into the room I wonder what is he thinking.
I only know that he is wonderful in my eyes
Does he know I loved him before I met him?
.................................................................
by Denise Osterberg
11/24/05
Achieving with grace
Becoming who they are
Chosen children of God
A child is like a pebble
The birth of a child a new beginning
Like a pebble thrown into a pool of water
That ripples far beyond the point of impact
Although not always our plan
But always a part of God's plan
Children have a purpose
In God's most perfect plan
A's, B's and C's and all that follow
Becoming singers, dancers, thinkers and talkers
Children are always first a gift from God.
Member, birthmother, ODS ACONE Board of Directors and advocate of the ABC bill to give all adoptees the right to their original birth certificate.
Balloon Cleansing Ceremony
2006 Heart-2-Heart Retreat
Ocean City, NJ
The ceremony was conducted by and began with a reading by Denise M. Leitch...
"We have come together because of our shared experience, losing a child to adoption. We became a sisterhood because of the life altering effects of our experience, but we, who are present here today, in addition to the ladies from FMR who could not be with us,
are sisters because we have shared our stories, we have felt each others pain and most of all because of the profound understanding and compassion we have for each other; when we feel alone and all consumed, we know that we can trust and rely on each other. We are bonded together
by the hell of adoption.
The specifics of our pregnancies and relinquishment vary for we are individuals, each with our own heartbreaking stories but it's not the difference's, it's the greater number of similarities in our stories which has created this bond.
We did not choose to put our children up for adoption, for to chose, by definition, means we were given alternatives from which to choose; we were told adoption was our only recourse. After our babies were taken, we were expected to go home and pick up our lives from
where we let off, to pretend nothing out of the ordinary had taken place but that was impossible; everything had changed, we were not the same young girls we were before. We were not afforded our basic human right to grieve, the same right afforded to any married mother who had just
lost her baby. Each of us experienced the numbing effects of denial in order to survive.
Although our pregnancies were unwanted, our children were certainly not; we were all told that we would forget our babies but our presence here today has proven that to be untrue. We did not forget. Nor should we ever forget. We need to raise our voices, to tell our
stories, for those who don't learn from history are condemned to repeat it.
We held our lost children secretly in our heart, we were alone with our shameful secret, that is until we found Firstmothers Reunited (FMR). For me, and I believe for many of us, it was not until we found each other
were we able to start dealing with all the emotional baggage we carried for so long. There is strength in numbers and FMR has given us the strength to walk this difficult path. I feel safe speaking for everyone when I say that we are eternally grateful for the constant love, compassion,
understanding and support we have received from the ladies who make up FMR.
I can't tell you how often I've wished I could go back in time, that I could change the fact I was an unwed teenage mother; I carried that shame for over 30 years, however, today I stand here proud to be counted among you, the great women of First Mothers Reunited.
We are releasing these balloons as a symbolic gesture... although each of us will forever live with our pasts and the empty space our lost children have left behind my hope is - just as the wind lifts up these balloons and carries them out over the mighty Atlantic,
so may our souls be uplifted and our burdens lightened. Each balloon symbolizes our heart and the pain it carries for the children who were taken from us against our will by adoption and some by death."
After the readings (see below), each of us let our balloon(s) drift up, over the Atlantic...we respectfully waited until the previous balloon rose almost out of sight before the next person took their turn. A very solemn mood filled the air as we watched the balloons float up in
the sky over the ocean. I believe we felt each others pain, however, we also felt optimistic that our futures will be filled with less pain and that we will make progress down this most difficult path.
I released a balloon for Michael....then I release a balloon for all our sisters from FMR who could not be with us in person...
Lastly, I released a balloon for all our sisters, who's stories we may never know, women from around the world who have relinquished before us, who will relinquish in the present and those who will relinquish in the future.
Lastly I released a balloon declaring "ADOPTION SUCKS."
May adoption falter and may each of us find comfort and peace.
By Denise M. Leitch
 |
First Mothers Reunited
Vee, Chris P., Chris L., Maz, Denise, Sally, Patty,
Glory, Carol, Pam |
........................................................................................
This Old Heart of Mine
by Patty Mongeau
There is a young girl living inside this old heart of mine....
She misses her baby
She's mad at the world
At its lack of understanding
She wants justice
She feels robbed
She's even mad at her daughter for not seeming to hurt as much as she does....
For not seeming to need her as much as she wants her to....
She's mad at her daughter for loving those people who took her and raised her as their own
Who won't share, acknowledge or even nod in her direction.
She's mad at those people, those people who have her daughter; and she cannot get past this...
This old heart of mine tries to console the sad angry girl inside.
I tell her she is beautiful, especially when she's pregnant, that she makes beautiful babies...
I tell her that her daughter loves her and there is no more SHAME.
I tell her that she tried her best to do the right thing in an impossible situation.
I tell her that she was young and needed her mother and father to help her....they wanted to but they didn't....and that is sad.
I tell her that she is loveable.
(she doesn't always believe me.)
The young girl needs to heal
To merge with this old heart of mine, to become one.
Every day we ask God to heal us both, to fix it all, to heal the hurts, the anger and the sadness
I pray He does and in the meantime
WE take baby steps towards happiness.
I release this balloon in memory of my little baby girl, Theresa Janet, whom I loved and treasured as a new life May 6, 1981.
And who I released May 13, 1981 with a broken heart.
And who I FOUND May 19, 2002.
Now, four + years into reunion, I embrace the woman I've met, Katherine, who IS my daughter and who I will know now and forever.
May God continue to lead US to more and more peace, and less and less pain.
AMEN.
....................................................................
UNSAID
by Vee Byram
I stand on my side of the river.
You stand on the opposite bank,
our pain mirrored in the water.
I cry out, "Come across."
You cringe, turn away.
I don't understand.
Softly I say, "Please."
You hold your ears;
my word falls short.
I wade into the torrent,
to meet you part way.
Icy chill stops my breath.
You put one foot in,
pull it right out,
tell me no, you can't.
I crawl back to shore.
Legs frozen, my body
shivers in the wind.
The words of healing remain unsaid.
The current of pain is too strong.
..........................................................................
Celebrate
by Glory Adams
10-03-02
Though the years have past,
This still remains the miracle of my life.
It didn't seem a time to celebrate,
Just another dark, cold, drizzly October day
Filled with loneliness and pain.
Little did I know before the day was spent,
My soul would change forever.
Little did I know I'd have emotions
Imprinted indelibly in my life-long memory.
Little did I know this day would live forever.
For on that day I welcomed my created life.
With unspeakable awe I saw, I touched,
But could not comprehend.
How could it be that he is of me?
What power in me can make such life?
As our eyes connect I feel him enter
My heart, my soul, my life.
Such tenderness I've never known.
Yearnings to touch, to stroke, to told
Can't be made to subside.
It matter naught that years have past.
The awe and yearning seem fresh and new.
A more exquisite form I'll never create.
So this October I celebrate once more
the sight, the sound, the touch of my miraculous son.
.......................................................................
Still Waiting to Forget
by Denise M. Leitch
When will I forget?
They promised me I would
They said what I was doing
was for his greater good
Silently my life resumed
as if nothing did take place
I was sure the world would know
once they looked upon my face
But no one seemed to notice
I guess I looked the same
A numbing fog encased me
as denial replaced my shame
Still waiting to forget
the child I gave away
My time is fading fast
My hair has turned to gray
Three decades past
but my memories last
Each day I sit and cry
as if watching from a window, I've seen my life go by
So far I've not forgotten
the child I never knew
Sometimes it's hard believing
all the pain this has put me through
When will I forget?
They promised me I would
I wonder if they really knew
a mother never could...
....................................................................
by Denise M. Leitch
May thirtieth two thousand and three,
What a promising day I believed it would be.
Over Cyber space the news would arrive,
By 9:45, I knew he was no longer alive.
In shock I sat, not a sound could I glean,
As I read the words that appeared on the screen.
Heart pounding, mind racing, I read it again,
Time stopped as I struggled to comprehend.
I was repelled by the news, this I could not abide,
I ran gasping for air as I screamed and I cried.
My baby has died,
My baby has died!
All the dreams and hopes that once kept me sane,
Have regressed into madness, into unspeakable pain.
For my son is lost with no hope I will see,
He is lost to death, to what never can be.
They snatched him at birth,
That's when he was taken away,
Not once in my arms
Did I feel him lay.
I was never to mourn all those years ago,
Now that I grieve, I want all to know
I'm still a mother, just like others you see,
Although mothering my son was not meant to be.
I was made to deny his existence to all,
Now I sing his praise while I hold myself tall.
'You need time to heal', I hear people say,
But I'll carry this pain till my last dying day.
I hearken back to when we once walked this coast,
He was growing inside me, just hidden to most.
On the same shore I stand with the sand at my feet,
In the wind broken promises of when we would meet.
The roar of the surf,
My sobs it does hide.
I still can't understand
Why my baby has died…why my baby has died.
The ocean's expanse shows me that I am small,
In the great scheme of life, this means nothing at all.
No change can I make in the results of that day,
Nor to the fact he was given away.
My wisdom has come too late for rewriting.
Now feelings of hopelessness I find myself fighting.
I will swear by these words, this pledge I do make –
Never again will I deny or forsake.
I searched and I found, I found and I lost,
All this has come at such a high cost.
To lose a child is unspeakable pain,
To lose the same twice is hard to explain.
My memory will hold him each day I draw breath,
I denied him in life; I will not do so in death.
I could fill the Atlantic with tears that I've cried,
Now that I know my baby has died, my baby has died.
by Elizabeth Porter
I stand on the outskirts of their lives,
A stranger, voyeur
I reach out with all of my strength, love, grace,
And grasp a vapor of life that could’ve been.
My heart soars with joy then crumbles into one million pieces;
Broken.
“I want my family, I want my family”; I shout
over and over to the deaf ears of
Choices made long ago, in faith, now revealed as lies and
half truths.
Neither my children nor I are better for the journey.
Our lives irrevocably, profoundly changed forever;
Broken.
I am consumed by the black cloud of grief.
I only see through a veil of tears; a raging river that
threatens to drown me in this infinite, crushing sorrow.
My soul shrieks and twists, throbbing.
“I want my family; you have my life, give me my family”;
Broken.
The imposters, with blank faces, weave their selfish, unyielding,
Tendril of obligation around my children, and pull them
down for the last count.
Their only choice seemingly to breathe the air only they
supply
Or perish in the black hole of their twisted-love withdrawn;
Broken.
I fall to my knees, there I remain;
Broken.
My husband rocks me with tears of compassion, despair,
he is lost;
“I’m here, come back to me, I miss you”;
Broken.
Copyright © Elizabeth L. Porter, June 2007
..............................................................................................................
by Judy Tracy
The girl I never knew stands here with me today
So much I want to know of her, so much i have to say
My thoughts escape me briefly as i'm taking this all in
Perfection, like I've always known, now where do I begin
I never even knew your name and on this day I do
So many questions fade away each time I spend with you
The angel that was sent to me from heaven up above
In turn I had to set you free...I did this out of love
Tho many years have come and gone....time, it now stands
still
A hug, a kiss, a gentle touch, I can't believe it's real
My baby girl, now all grown up! So beautiful, so sweet
A dream come true, an answered prayer that someday we would
meet
My life forever changed today, of course your life has
to
So thank you for this chance to know
The girl I never kne
Copyright ©2004 JudyTracy
